Metaphor Alert: Secret Service Agent Shoots Himself in DC Negligent Discharge

The below is attributable to Lt. Paul Mayhair, Public Information Officer, USSS Uniformed Division:

Shortly before 8 p.m., an on-duty officer suffered a non-life-threatening injury following a negligent discharge while handling a service weapon. There are no reported injuries to… https://t.co/t4P2xZaFm8

— Allison Papson (@AllisonPapson) September 22, 2024

The US Secret Service has been in a long, slow decline for years. Jump into the Wayback Machine and set it for 2012. Here we are, down Cartagena way, where a bunch of agents engaged a score of Colombian hookers for a night of fun, frivolity, and sexually transmitted diseases.

That, however, was just one example. There have been plenty of agency screw-ups over the years that leaked into public view such as accepting questionable gifts, casually tossed grenades, uninvited guests and assorted undetected fence-jumpers at the White House. None of the failures, however, were quite so high-profile as the Butler, Pennsylvania shooting of President Trump in which he was wound and a bystander was killed.

Oh, and then there was the more recent second attempt to shoot Trump at his golf course in West Palm Beach.

All in all, given the agency’s long, sorry-ass track record of conspicuous (non)performance, last night’s incident in northwest DC probably shouldn’t really surprise anyone. While few details are known, a Secret Service public information officer has confirmed that one of the agency’s finest accidentally shot himself.

According to USSS, the agent was on duty during the “negligent discharge” while he was handling his weapon shortly before 8 p.m. in the area of 32nd and Fessenden streets Northwest. His injuries were not life threatening, and the officer was taken to a hospital for evaluation and treatment. USSS says no one else was injured in the incident. 

The agency really doesn’t like to talk about these things. We heard virtually nothing about a similar negligent discharge that also took place in the nation’s capital back in 2017. All the Service ever says is, in effect, ‘Oops…we’ll investigate what happened.’

Based purely on speculation and without any evidence at all, we’d guess the agent was on duty last night, got bored, and ill-advisedly started to finger his duty gun. But what do we know? He could have been dancing. The feds seem to like being armed when they’re cutting a rug.

In any case, we’re glad to hear that no one was seriously hurt and the agent is expected to make a full recovery. We don’t know if he/she shot him/herself in the foot, but the Secret Service has been doing that for years now, so why not? Carry on. Nothing to see here.